How to Have A Match Made in Heaven: A Transformational Approach to Dating, Relating, and Marriage by Ariel & Shya Kane

Author:Ariel & Shya Kane
Language: eng
Format: epub, mobi, azw3
Publisher: Midpoint Trade Books
Published: 2012-09-04T00:00:00+00:00

SUCCESSFULLY MAKING A REQUEST

First, it’s a good idea to make sure that you have your partner’s attention. It does no good to ask something while he or she is preoccupied. Even if your mate is in the room with you, seemingly involved in nothing, he or she could be preoccupied in his or her thoughts. Often one of the two of us will say something such as, “Can I ask you a question?” or “Do you have a moment?”

Once the other says “Yes,” a connection is made, we’re engaged with each other and it’s easy to make a request. This first step is a very important one. If one of us is on the phone and already engaged in a conversation or involved in another activity, and the other simply launches into asking something, the question isn’t heard.

Occasionally the answer won’t be “Yes.” It might be, “I’m in the midst of something. Can you give me five minutes?” Then we speak a few minutes later or renegotiate. Renegotiating the request could be something like, “Can you just answer a quick question?” or “I actually only need a moment if you could give it to me now.” And then between the two of us we see the appropriate set of actions to take.

These days, our requests are always respectful. It wasn’t always the case for us, but over the years a relaxed climate has been established between the two of us that includes love, compassion and an interest in taking care of each other. It’s one thing to say, “Honey, I’m really tired, would you please do the dishes?” It’s a very different thing to say, “Okay, I’ve made the dinner, you do the dishes.”

A smile lit up Nisha’s face as she watched us demonstrate communicating with each other, unable to deny the truth of how well it worked and how it created even greater closeness and intimacy between us. We also suggested another possibility. She could simply drop the fight and do the dishes. Indeed, in life she could do things when they presented themselves and not waste precious moments by complaining to herself that she had to do them.

Nisha’s smile quickly vanished at that suggestion and her fighting nature rose to the fore again. “No!” she protested. Her boyfriend was supposed to do the dishes and he should have done them. But just like her boyfriend, Nisha hated being told what to do. Not just in her relationship but everywhere. She didn’t like being dominated by the circumstances of her life. If she thought she had to do something, she did it begrudgingly and complained to herself that she had to do it. Of course she carried this into her relationship as well. The state of her relationship was simply a reflection of how she related to life.

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